cookie FAIL

i’ve been making cookies for a long time now,  and i’m really good at it. oh, who am i kidding? i’m amazing. unfortunately i was amazing enough for murdoch university village.

*please excuse the crappy pictures. my regular camera’s battery died and i had to buy an adapter to charge it. i was moving far too much for my iphone

i wanted to make cookies in my new domicile. a simple enough plan. i went to the grocery store and bought the ingredients.

a small, but mighty pantry

however, when i started to mix them something was wrong. the butter smelled odd. not bad, just different. the eggs did not stand up like i’m used to. the brown sugar had too much molasses, and the white sugar had fairly large crystals. i continued to forge ahead.

i preheated my oven to 180C (350F) and plopped a few proto-cookies down on the sheet.

godspeed, little ones

but after 6 minutes they looked almost unchanged. the were still tall blobs. they were shiny, but they weren’t browning. actually i don’t even think they were baking.

wtf is going on in there?!

i continued to let them cook. they began to flatten and i breathed a sigh of relief. but then i noticed a new predicament- they were leaking oil. they were separating- not baking! something was seriously wrong. i pulled them from the oven and looked at the disaster before me.

oh the humanity!

i tried to pick one up and it completely fell apart into a puddle of goo. not even the edges were done. i threw them all away and put the bowl of cookie dough in the fridge.

poor little fella never had a chance

what happened?

poor ingredients? was my measuring that off? was the oven that bad?

my guess it was a combination of the three. i didn’t have my usual utensils, the ingredients are definitely different from what i’m used to, and that convection oven is a piece of crap.

i’m not going to bake anything until i move out. and only then will i learn if i need to re-tool all of my recipes for australia. i fucking hope not.

not your usual oreo

once, not too long ago, at the request of a friend, i made oreos. and they were damn good.

i considered attempting to make them again, but then i got some free lemons. so i made these instead:

i don't own cookie cutters, only champagne flutes

so light, so buttery, so lemony, so delicious.

lemon oreos

(adapted from “salt and chocolate.com”)

226g butter, softened

200g powdered sugar

1 tsp vanilla

~1 tbsp lemon zest

1/2 tsp salt

280g ap flour

filling

4 oz cream cheese (half a block)

300g powdered sugar

~1 tbsp lemon zest

heat your oven to 350F.

cream butter and sugar. mix in zest, vanilla, and salt. mix in the flour until just combined. flour your work surface and roll cookie dough, with a floured rolling pin, to about 1/8 inch thick. using a cookie cutter, or a champagne flute, cut rounds out of dough and place them on a baking sheet. (re-rolling is okay, but i wouldn’t re-roll more than twice.)

you can place the cookies close together as they don’t really expand during baking. bake for about 8 minutes, or until just brown on the bottom. remove from cookie sheet and cool completely on wax paper.

when the cookies are cooled, mix cream cheese, powedered sugar, and zest until well combined. place a dollop of filling between two cookies. store in the regriferator.

cookies of white

these cookies have survived a trip to iraq, and still managed to be tasty. i think that says a lot.

originally posted 9/26/2008

white chocolate macadamia nut cookies

mmm

I’ll be honest: most peoples’ cookies suck. There, I said it. And deep down, you know it’s true too. I don’t consider it my job to educate the world on how to bake a proper cookie. However, if you want to know how to make cookies that are actually good, please read on.

*I like soft and/or chewy cookies, so that is what I strive for. They’re just better. Fuck those cripsy cookies (unless it is supposed to be crispy like a ginger snap, butter cookie, or wafer type).

283g unsalted butter. Softened (not melted. don’t melt your butter for cookies ever. if you do, then you are retarded. and use butter, not margarine or crisco)
200gfirmly packed brown sugar
100g granulated sugar
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
353g all-purpose flour
11 (or 12 oz depending on the manufacturer) of white chocolate chips
1 cup chopped macadamia nuts.
(yes, these are expensive cookies to make. but they are worth it)

Heat the oven to 350F.

Now stay away from the oven. It will be hot over there. Extra heat will cause the butter to be warm. Warm butter will cause the cookies to run. Runny cookies are not soft cookies. And you know how I feel about non-soft cookies.

Cream the butter and sugars. -> Use a mixer to blend the butter and sugar until they come together and form a “creamy” consistency. It won’t really be creamy as the sugars will not have dissolved, but it will look that way.

Add in the eggs and vanilla. Mix until combined.

Mix in the baking soda and salt.

Mix in the flour, one cup at a time. You can add it in all at once. But it is slightly easier if you add it in by the cup.

Stir (use a spoon) in the white chocolate chips and chopped nuts.

Drop mounds of dough about 2in in diamater across on a cookie sheet. You can make them bigger or smaller; however, the cooking time will be off, and you will be on your own. Unless you have very large cookie sheets, 6 cookies to a sheet, no more, no less.

Bake for 7-9 minutes or until the edges of the cookies are golden brown. Should you wait until the tops are golden brown, the bottoms will be burnt. If you like cookies like that, then there is something wrong with you.

Smack the cookie sheet against the stove in order to flatten the cookies. The immediately transfer cookies to a sheet of wax paper. It will help absorb excess moisture from the bottom of the cookie. If you use a wire rack the cookies may not be firm enough at this point to support themselves.

Let sit on wax paper for one to two hours. Store in an air tight container for up to three days.

so soft, so chewy

pizza of the fruity kind

always a crowd pleaser

so the thing about fruit pizza is that there is never one good time of year to make the version i produce. strawberries, peaches, and apples are not all at their peak at once. but i never make this when the majority of fruits are out of season (i.e. winter), it’s just too expensive, and less “green” too.

yes, i am trying to reduce my “carbon footprint.

so just sit on this recipe for 8 months.

sugar cookie crust:

1 cup butter, softened
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1 tbsp milk
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
3 cups ap flour

the sauce:
1 8oz packet of cream cheese (softened)
1 cup powdered sugar

just mix well and spread on COOLED crust.

the toppings
you can use whatever you want, but i use:
1 large navel orange (sliced)
1 granny smith apple (sliced)
1 large peach (sliced)
~1/3 lb strawberries (sliced)
~3 oz blueberries
~3 oz raspberries

5.5 oz white chocolate chips

crust:

cream butter and sugar. mix in eggs, vanilla, and milk. mix in dry ingredients. form dough into ball and refrigerate for an hour (or overnight, if you feel like doing things early.) let the dough sit at room temp for about 20-30 minutes. using a powdered sugar covered rolling pin, roll to about 1-2 inches thick. transfer to a parchment-lined pizza pan. roll until desired thickness (aim for at least 1/4 inch thick).

bake at 325F for 25 minutes, or until light golden brown.

toppings:

in order to keep the apples from turning brown, cut the oranges first and mix the apples with them. hooray ascorbic and citric acid!

you can arrange the fruits however you like. i place alternating peaches and apples around the edge and then some in the center. then the rest of the fruits and berries can “fall as they may.”

heat the white chocolate 30 seconds at a time, in the microwave, until everything is melted. then use a spoon to “throw” the melted chocolate over the pizza. this step may take some time to master. but you will know you are doing it right when thin lines of white chocolate are on every surface of your kitchen.

eat immediately or refrigerate.

look at that crust. it's fucking perfect!